i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
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we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
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Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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