Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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