Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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