Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize