Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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