my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
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When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
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These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
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