I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
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Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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