First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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