I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
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I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
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I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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