i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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