I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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