I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
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He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
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I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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