Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
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Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
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Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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