shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
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I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
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i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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