Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
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Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
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Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
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