if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
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Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
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My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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