"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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