According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
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i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
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I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I have tasted many bathrooms
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
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