I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
New. Vanessa hudgens nude pics
That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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