ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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