Just cropdusted the office
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
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he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
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i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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