Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
3pm strippers are depressing
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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