you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
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the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
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He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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