i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
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he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
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My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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