Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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