I swear god or herbie drove my car home
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
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You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
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I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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