I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
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I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
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WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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