Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
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How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
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he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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