How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
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When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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