1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
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MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
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It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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