Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
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He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
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I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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