I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
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Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
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All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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