Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
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so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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