Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
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when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
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Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
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