I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
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Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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