Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
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If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
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I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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