Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize