I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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