He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
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And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
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It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I want a musical about memes.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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