Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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