Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
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So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
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I agree and I would be an awesome dog
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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