the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
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After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
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