He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
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Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
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