Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
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You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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