Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
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