i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
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I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
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I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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