Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
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He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
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I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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