dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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