do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
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