my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize